2010-05-31 - 1:43 a.m.
So, its been about 4 months since my last entry.... how shall I sum up the last 4 months? I don't even know where to begin. Well, I met a great guy and we fell in love. We got married a month again and I just found out I'm pregnant...
Just kidding. *smile* Actually, none of that happened. Shocking, I know.
Ok, so seriously, I guess I have had some excitement since the last time I wrote. I did go on a 3 week visit to Germany which ended up making me miss it even more than I did before. And I did go a year without nookie, but then got some soon after my year mark. With a 21 year old. If you don't remember, I'm 32. So, I was robbing the cradle a bit. But its whatever. He was a sweet, cute, fun little guy...but he had alot to learn. We hung out a few times and then it fell to the wayside. No biggie. He texted me the other night, but I don't care to revisit it. A few weeks after that, I visited my sister in West Virginia for a weekend and ended up making out with one of her fiance's friends....who was also 21 (just making out though). And then on my Germany trip, I robbed the cradle one more time with a 22 year old. He was significantly better than the first one. I used to work with him back when I was there and always thought he was cute. But I guess I always thought he was off limits due to his age....I've seem to overcome that boundary, so I pretty much attacked him the first night I was there. But it worked out fine, he was like my "temporary boyfriend" while I was there. So, that was fun. Its probably a good thing we don't live in the same place because I'm pretty sure I'd want him around all the time.
In some sense, it makes me feel pretty bad ass that I can still get the young guys, but I've already decided I need to stop and start looking for someone my own age. Or someone who is at least looking for the same things I am. Its difficult though...once I opened the door for the young boys, its hard to close it. I can't stop checking them out whenever I'm out! But I will try...
Anyway, not much else going on. While the young boys have been a fun distraction, I'm still incredibly lonely. And I want a fucking boyfriend pretty bad. And I know people say you'll find it when you're not looking...but how do you not look when you want it so bad? So, I started doing the online thing. I'm very hesitant about it, but I really don't see how I can meet anyone. Most guys my age are married or are in relationships. And they don't seem to really go out to bars anymore. And I don't really know how I'm gonna meet the single ones. So, I made a profile on a free dating website...not ready to pay just yet. I guess its going okay so far. I met one guy already, but he was.....not cute. Lets leave it at that. But we'll see. I'll try to stay positive.
One good thing is that I'm pretty sure I'm over Jake. Over and done. Shortly after my last entry, I ended up IM'ing him after a night of drinking and basically asked him straight out what he wanted from us. He gave the same stupid "I don't know what I want" type answers. Probably because he was sober. If he had been drunk and alone, I'm sure he would have told me he loved me and wanted me. But he wasn't. And I basically went off on him. Used a lot of cuss words. He didn't like that too much and ended the conversation. I didn't plan for it to be what it was, but for some reason, it just felt like the last straw. It was all I needed to let go. It was like "enough is enough". And I haven't felt the same about him since. It's like I finally realized that he and I are never going to happen. There is no more hope. And thats okay. I will fall in love again someday with someone else and that will be fine. I actually don't feel "in love" with him anymore. Of course I love him an I always will and I wish him the best. But its not the same. And its about time. It was more than two years of waiting and its about time. He's emailed me a few times since then and its been friendly, but no more talk of "i love you" or "i miss you", and that's how I prefer it. If he said it now, it would just sound silly to me. But I don't think he will say it anymore, I think he knows I'm done as well. So I guess that's good.
And all and all, that means I'm ready to meet someone new. Totally and completely, my heart is open. Wish that meant someone would just show up on my doorstep. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the way it works. I'm trying to stay positive, but seriously, I am freaking lonely. I miss affection like a motherfucker.
But its whatever. I'll hang in there and see whats in store for me.
I know there's probably tons more to update on, but I'm done for now. Hopefully, it won't be another 4 months before I write again...
